Here’s a draft letter that I composed for Wayne Rooney to send off to UEFA’s headqaurters in Nyon, Switzerland over the weekend, which should by now have been read (I hope!):
Sir told me to write you a letter becoz of what I done in Montewhatsit when I kicked that bloke.
Problem is it’s hard to get any sleep at home, what with screaming kids and Colleen trying clothes on half the night, so the trip with the boys was a chance for some kip. But the hotel had hard beds and a cold pool, the pitch was bumpy and I was in a bit of a mood to be honest.
Add to that the stupid goal we let in and then that I hadn’t hit a decent pass for 25 minutes when I see Welbeck warming up. The way I was playing it had to be for me and as he is pretty useful that’s all I needed.
So anyway, I was thinking that if I got sent off then I’d be the starwho Fabio could say will save the team at the Euros and I don’t even have to kick a ball. Seemed like a plan to me.
So first chance I get, I boot the nearest bloke for no reason, get a red one and walk off with a grin.
Course the press boys think its the old Rooney and write a load of crap about me as if its violent conduct or summit. But it was tactikal, like I said, I mean if you have a plan and do it that what a tictak is isn’t it ?
So my reckoning is that I don’t deserve a longer ban coz I dun it for good reasons like I just sed.
So UEFA, come on matey’s, gimme a break, so I can have a rest and save the team after they lose the first game.
Sound like a plan? Nice one boyz.
See ya in Poland or wherever,
Oh and I am sorry like the gaffer said I should say,
By Steve Burrows CBE @ifollowsteve